"SHOOP" & Sex Is Not A Reward. (Netcast Sex Post; Day 2)

Below is a testimony from a husband and wife who attend Netcast. This is one post you will not want to miss. I praise God for their wisdom and authenticity.

He Makes Me Wanna Shoop.

When I first saw that Pastor Matt was asking us to consider writing about sex for the church, I have to admit that my first thoughts were the lyrics to a couple of Salt ‘n’ Pepa songs from my high school days. Does that make me old or what? Then my husband came up to me and said, “I saw that email from Matt and all I can think of is, “You make me wanna shoop, shoop-ba-doop…” (For those who didn’t hit their teens in the late eighties/early nineties, “Shoop” was one of the songs I was thinking of…and it’s also a euphemism for sex.)

And that reminded me once again that a) it’s nice that my hubby is even older than I am, and b) he is my perfect match. But being reminded of the amazing connection that God has blessed us with – mental, emotional, and physical – wasn’t exactly enough to make me want to write about it for the rest of the world to see. While I have written professionally throughout my career and even shared many of the details of my life through personal blogs, I have never written about our sex life. Never even considered it. In fact, I really don’t disclose much of what goes on behind our closed doors to even my closest friends.

On girls’ nights out, when intimate details (and often complaints) start flying after a few glasses of wine, I typically just sit back and smile to myself thinking, “If only they knew how good it could really be.” If only the world in general knew how good sex could be! Oh, they think they know, don’t they? “They” being the creative geniuses that try to define ‘hot’ sex and even sexual attractiveness for us and our children through TV, movies, and other scantily clad images. I don’t personally watch a lot of TV or movies these days, but everything I do manage to watch seems to revolve around sex. Yet nothing about those sex scenes looks anything like the scenes that take place in our house, which are typically very happy and often filled with laughter. Instead, they look shallow, fiercely determined, uncomfortable, awkward…or often downright painful!

Good sex shouldn’t just be about two naked people pawing passionately at each other for a couple of minutes – or even a couple of hours. And yet, all the cues I am getting from the media (and the stories I have heard from people I actually know) lead me to believe that most people believe these kinds of sexual encounters are perfectly OK. So I guess with that in mind (and after praying about it) I finally decided to write about this just to state very clearly – for the record – that there is a better way. And it starts with marriage, yes. But not just any kind of marriage.

In full disclosure, I was married once before and the sex in that relationship was nothing like what I’ve experienced with my current husband. No…I think to experience true intimacy in the way God intended it, you have to start with a marriage in which two people are not only fully committed to each other, but also fully committed to God. Eew. Creepy, right? Why do Christians always have to say weird things like “you have to serve God to really enjoy sex”? Trust me…I wouldn’t say it if I hadn’t experienced the truth in that statement from both sides of the coin. In my life, I have seen that only through a relationship with God can we (as individuals) truly understand how to give and love selflessly in the way that He designed. And when only one person in a marriage is living that way, it just doesn’t work quite as well.

From the world’s perspective, sex is all about “getting some.” Satisfying your own needs. When you see some guy on TV chase after an attractive woman after saying something like “I want some of that,” do you think he has her needs in mind – either physical or emotional? Not a chance. And I guarantee when that scenario happens in real life (as it does thousands of times every day), no matter how much fun that encounter may be in the moment, it leaves both participants feeling just as empty afterward as they did going in – probably even more so. On the other hand, when you have two people who are thinking about every aspect of the other person’s needs, sex is so more than just nudity and passionate pawing (although there’s plenty of that too). You’ve heard the expression that “it’s better to give than to receive.” Well, that certainly holds true in the bedroom. If you go into a sexual encounter thinking, “How can I make him happy?”… you’ll find ways to do it. And you won’t walk away disappointed, no matter what’s in it for you. And if he’s thinking the same way…well, chances are that he will be equally successful. And you will both find even more emotional pleasure in knowing that you have satisfied each other in the way that only the two of you are able to do. This is human connection at its very deepest level.

The security of sex within a committed marriage also enables you to enjoy each other without inhibition, knowing that no matter what happens, the other person won’t be judging you or talking about it behind your back…or even worse, posting something about it on Facebook. I can’t imagine being able to truly give myself to someone in any other scenario. In our marriage, sex is the glue that holds us together. That’s not the same as saying our relationship is built solely around physical desire. It means that when we get to share intimacy on a regular basis, we function at our best – both as a couple and as individuals. When we can’t have sex, we both miss it. We dream about it. And we have to work much harder to maintain the connection that keeps us so tuned in to each other’s needs on every other level…and helps our passion survive the normal daily grind of working, maintaining a household, and raising a family.

Whether you’re still single or you’re wondering why the sex in your marriage still leaves you feeling unsatisfied or lonely (again, I’ve been there), these are the best words of wisdom I can offer. Prayerfully seek a marriage that is built around God, with you being willing to lead the example of selfless love – both inside the bedroom and out. I guarantee that once you and your partner have experienced this kind of intimacy, it will change the way you think about sex. None of the temptations that the world could throw at you will ever hold any appeal. How could any shallow imitation ever compare to the fullness of joy that you find in being “one” with your chosen mate? Impossible.

The Bradley Coopers and Channing Tatums of the world may be nice to look at. But it’s only when I look at my man that I ever think, “He makes me wanna shoop!”

Sex: It’s Not a Reward 

Since my wife started the theme about connectedness and selfless love, I’ll continue with the topic, but with a “what not to do” perspective. I have lots of married friends, both saved and unsaved, that have varying degrees of happiness in their relationships. Guys do talk about sex and marriage, but it tends to be surface conversations, usually with one impressive sexual feat thrown in (“hour and a half last night…no lying”). But you know that the sex (and usually the relationship) is bad, when one of your friends doesn’t ever talk about his wife. Or on the rare occasion that he does, it’s to complain that they haven’t had sex in weeks or longer.

I’m fortunate. My wife and I both view sex the same way: a way for us to connect, have fun, and relieve the stress of life (oh yeah, and our kids are a nice bonus). Unfortunately, a segment of married women view sex as a reward for their husbands when they behave the way the wife deems acceptable. This permeates our sitcoms and romantic comedies – a controlling wife and a bumbling idiot for a husband who will drop everything for sex. Ok, the ‘drop-everything-at-anytime-for-sex’ part is pretty much true for all guys (How many husbands can pop out of a dead sleep if they get that hand on the back and hear, “Are you still awake?” “Of course I’m awake…I was only fake sleeping until you were ready to have sex”). But it’s always shown as a one-way street.

Unfortunately, Hollywood isn’t too far off on this one. A number of my friends talk about how good sex was early on, but that at some point it stopped being a priority to their wives. I’m not trying to pin too much on the woman in the relationship – I know there are tons of things a guy can do to ruin a sex life – but on this particular topic, NOT wanting to have sex usually isn’t one of them. I’ve actually heard friends’ wives joke about it at parties, “You’re not getting laid until you fix that hole in the wall I’m been asking you to fix for two weeks!” And from what I know, it’s no joke. And you know what? I can tell you personally that those husbands have stopped thinking about their wives as their primary sexual focus. I’m not saying it’s right, or that we don’t have a personal responsibility as Christians (although some of my friends are not) to obey God regardless of how our spouses behave, but there is a reality to that situation. And it’s hard to keep your spouse as your sexual fantasy, when her behavior indicates that she doesn’t care if she is. My wife cares. She loves our time in the bedroom, and it makes me think about her all the time we’re not in the bedroom. She turns me on and keeps me engaged on a physical level, and that encourages my emotional connection to her.

If you want your husband to be more in tune to how you feel, who you are…have sex. Have lots of sex! It draws them in and fulfills a God-ordained impulse in marriage. But if you treat it as a reward, or a duty you have to do sometimes, you’ll never have the connection you want…and he’ll probably never be the guy you are trying to turn him into.


Anonymous said...

I appreciate the candid blog.. BUT! That I was hoping to actually hear a bit more on how this is played out in the bedroom. Not graphic details.. but I think one thing that is lacking in our Christian Communities is more people talking about Sex and the different ways to experience it. We as Christians feel somewhat guilty if we provide Oral Sex to our husband for instance. Why? Is this wrong? Is everything accepted in the bedroom. Are their things you can do that will draw you closer to each other than apart? If so, please do tell us.. anyone? Anyone?

Matt Chewning said...

In reference to the question above, here are my thoughts.....

The Bible says that “Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral" (Hebrews 13:4). Scripture never says what a husband and wife are or are not allowed to do sexually. Husbands and wives are instructed, “Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time (1 Corinthians 7:5a). This verse perhaps lays down the principle for sexual relations in marriage.

So, whatever is done, it should be mutually agreed upon. No one should be encouraged or coerced to do something he or she is uncomfortable with or thinks is wrong. If a husband and wife both agree that they don't mind an would like to try it, (e.g., oral sex, different positions, sex toys, dirty talking, role playing, etc.), then the Bible does not give any reason why they cannot.

However, 2 things I would warn against are.....

1. Adultery is sin even if your spouse allows, approves, or even participates in it. Therefore, any sexual act is for the married couple ONLY!

2. Pornography appeals to the “lust of the flesh and the lust of the eyes” (1 John 2:16) and is therefore condemned by God as well. A husband and wife should never bring pornography into their sexual union.

Beyond that, there is nothing that Scripture explicitly forbids a husband and wife to do with each other as long as it is by mutual consent. So, feel free to get your freak on in any which way your little heart pleases. Feel no guilt or shame in doing it and as long as it is mutually enjoyable have as much fun as you like. There is no part of your body or your spouses body that God says should be off limits. Actually, to limit your body from your spouse is to not fully give yourself to your spouse which could be sinful. I would encourage every married couple to experiment as much as you desire with your spouse in achieving the maximum about of pleasure you possibly can by the grace of God in your marital union.

Have fun!!