SEX: 25 Years of Intimacy & Thoughts from a Single Mom

This is a wife at Netcast who shares her observations from 25 years of physical intimacy...

Our first years of physical intimacy were illicit. We weren’t married yet. We were trying to be “technical virgins,” doing sexual acts right up to, but not including penetration. It almost worked, if it weren’t for the few times we couldn’t reign in the passion and took it farther than we intended. It was glorious in the moment, but shame and worry followed.

Our first years of marriage were challenging. Suddenly without the aphrodisiac of the forbidden and dangerous, I struggled to become aroused. Sex without arousal was sometimes painful and often nauseating, but I knew it was important not to deny my husband, so we settled into a couple times a week of ho-hum going through the motions. It was slightly better for him than it was for me, but nowhere near the pleasurable intimacy I knew it should have been.

I believed that this was what our married sex would look like forever; that it was the price I was going to have to pay for my pre-marital sins. Because it wasn’t all that pleasurable for me, I was also non-orgasmic. This really saddened and discouraged us both. We read books and tried different “remedies,” but part of me just continued believing that I didn’t deserve to have an orgasm because we weren’t virgins when we married.

Fast forward 15 or so years, and now we have fireworks. F.I.R.E.W.O.R.K.S. Mindblowing fireworks. And did I mention fireworks? 

It’s been that way for us for so long now that it feels like we’ve always had good sex. So what made the difference for us? It came softly, slowly, quietly. I don’t understand it completely, but here is what I’m sure of: Most importantly: grace. I needed to understand God’s grace. He doesn’t give me what I deserve. I don’t deserve fulfilling sexual intimacy with my husband. I also don’t deserve eternal salvation. Or good health. Or my next breath, even. But God loves me so much in my brokenness that He sent His Son to be my Rescuer. And, in His passionate love, He showers me with good gifts.

I Corinthians 6:9-11 “Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality, nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And such were some of you. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.”

Praise Jesus! I am not defined by my past sins. I am clothed in His righteousness. Once I was set free by a deeper understanding of grace, I think several practical factors played a role: 

  • Recognizing that seeing my husband breathlessly ravished by my love is a gift I give him. I’m the only one who holds the key. I love giving him that gift, knowing that I’m honoring God while I do it, and that I’m drawing my husband’s heart to mine as he knows he can count on me to leave him deliriously satisfied. 
  • Realizing that when I’m an active participant in our lovemaking by adding my own motions to his, or lovingly directing him in how he can increase my pleasure (which actually took me a while to figure out myself), or initiating sex altogether, that it not only increases his pleasure, but mine as well. I’ve discovered that when I might not be all that aroused in the beginning, engaging myself in the moment by doing some or all of those things usually leads to being highly aroused. 
  • Grasping the mechanics of sex. It’s almost humorous now how inhibited and uninformed I was in those early years. I was amazed when I learned that clitoral stimulation is most women’s pathway to orgasm. 
  • Embracing more than one type of sex. I think a lot of women have a problem with giving or receiving oral sex because they don’t think nice girls do it, or they think it’s gross. Godly girls know that it is a God-given gateway to orgasmic pleasure, especially for the wife, and that a sensual bath or shower together right before sex can be helpful to make you feel more comfortable with it, although it may take many tries at being vulnerable in this way before it becomes pleasurable. It took me probably 10 years, but I’m so thankful I never wrote it off completely. 
  • Understanding that my mind is my most important sex organ. If I’m worrying if I remembered to take the beef out of the freezer for dinner tomorrow, or if I smell ok, or if he noticed that I forgot to shave, I’m shutting down my ability to relax and engage, and cheating us both. 
  • Accepting that although times like menstruation or fluctuating pregnancy hormones might inhibit typical sex, this is a great time to demonstrate selfless love to my husband by offering to pleasure him in an alternative way, no strings attached. Just because I don’t need or want a release doesn’t mean he doesn’t. My body is not my own. 
Our culture thinks that monogamy leads to boring sex, but our life demonstrates just the opposite. God in His wisdom saves sex for the marriage bed because the best sex is a by-product of deep spiritually, emotionally, and relationally intimate couples. It takes time to get there. No matter where you are in your journey as a couple, please know that there’s hope that God can redeem beauty from ashes. Never give up. Never stop growing. Marriage thrives when each partner is seeking Christlikeness. It’s a beautiful parallel that the more satisfying sex is, the more I long for more. So it is with the Christian walk. The more we delight ourselves in our Savior, the more we long to know Him better. He gives us good gifts.

This is the story of a single mother at Netcast Church... 

Growing up in church, sex wasn't often talked about, and when it was, it was strange and horribly uncomfortable. At youth group, we were taught that we should remain virgins until we married, but why? I don't recall ever being told why, but instead was left with an impression that sex was the sin above all sins. As a teen, I made a decision and a vow to God to wait until I was married to have sex. I failed. I had sex, and became a mom at 21 years old. I believed a lie, as so many other young women believe, that if I gave my body to a man, I would receive love in return.

For a while, sex and relationships became a god in my life. I looked for fulfillment in these things and ran from the one who could truly satisfy my soul. There was a deep feeling of shame. I felt as if I could never go back to Jesus again. Thankfully, after some time, I went home. Jesus showed that although I sinned sexually, I wasn't hopeless. He showed me His word, His truth. Scriptures like Hosea 2: 14-17, John 4 and John 8: 1-11. 

I am single now. I hope to one day have a husband, to enjoy sex as God intended, but for now, I will wait. It is a daily choice that is not always easy, but is made possible by His grace. So, the question remains, why? For me, it's not because the bible says so, but because it is just one way I can express my love to my Savior. I no longer feel a need to give myself to a man, because I have Jesus who gave Himself for all of us. I wait because it is my act of worship to a God who loves me with a most precious and everlasting love. 


Anonymous said...

The last line says it all. We do these things as an act of worship. I truly believe that God's commandments are meant to be seen as an act of worship, much like we hope our children will obey us simply because they knew we love them and so they trust our reasons and do it out of love for us. At least that's the hope. The truth continues in the analogy. Like us to our children, God most often knows that greater blessings come from obeying his commandments. Not as a reward but because he knows the blessings that manifest naturally. Monogamy isn't about restriction, it's about maximizing the joy of being devoted to a single person and knowing that person is devoted to you.

I have read I Corinthians 6:9-11 before, but man that was a refreshing reminder. Been too long since I read that. There is therefore NO condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. Praise God for that!

twentysomething said...

I have never been married, but I have been in two committed relationships where sex was involved. I had grown up with the same idea that sex was the sin of all sins, and have since let go of that guilt. God does not intend for us to feel ashamed and guilty of our bodies. Throughout high school and college, I based my morality off of sex. If you had sex, you were a bad person. If you had sex, you were impure, and essentially not whole anymore. You could never return to your state of holiness God intended for you. Sex is still something I hide from my parents. I know they would be extremely upset if they learned I was not a virgin. I need to pay separately for my birth control so that it is not on my parents' insurance. It is a huge cause of stress for me, that I believe is caused by the Christian community. I completely respect this single mother. She is so strong and an exemplary model of obedience before God. However, does the fact that I choose to have sex automatically designate me to have an unhappy marriage, and perhaps to Hell? This is what I have grown up to believe.