As I sit down and begin to think about the journey that the Lord has brought me through over the last few years, it is hard to stay seated. Reflection for me brings about a desire to run around my house like a crazy man screaming the praises of God.
There's no doubt that ministry is one of the hardest adventures anybody can ever endeavor themselves in. Interestingly enough, it is also by far the most honorable and rewarding work imaginable.
There's nothing more difficult than trying to deal with the unbalances that come with church planting. The random phone calls, the untimely meetings that are necessary, the family needs, the financial stresses and the burning desire to fulfill what God has called you too. All of those things have the ability to bring upon great amounts of stress. Yet the rewards of seeing just one person having their life absolutely transformed by the grace found in the Gospel of Jesus, trumps any amount of difficulties.
This past weekend I had the privilege of baptizing 11 people in our service, as the rest of Netcast sang loudly their praises to our King. Some of those baptized were very close friends of mine, while others I didn't really know well. Nonetheless, the beauty and power that is found in a life transformed by Jesus continues to fascinate me. When service ended, I rushed into the city of Boston and performed a wedding for two friends of mine, which was beautiful. It was small, intimate and fun. In addition to that, I was able to walk this couple through pre-marital counseling and saw incredible growth in their relationship and walk with Jesus over the past few months.
When I eventually came home that night and laid down in my bed, absolutely exhausted, it occurred to me that in the course 10 hours I witnessed 11 people outwardly demonstrate their identification with Christ in his death burial and resurrection and then I visibly witnessed two people becoming one flesh through the covenant of marriage.
Honestly, can you think of anything in all of the world that you would rather be doing? I feel like I am literally living a dream.
This post comes from a very brave and Godly young man at Netcast. I commend him for his incredible honesty and faithfulness to the Lord.
All I Need is You, Lord”...Really?
I grew up in a Christian home with loving parents. I went to church every Sunday and attended a Christian school. Like all the other boys, I enjoyed sports, Legos, and long days in the backyard with my friends pretending we were police detectives who could travel into outer space. I even had crushes on the pretty girls in my class and in my neighborhood, but was always too shy to admit it!
Adolescence hit around the 6th grade and that’s when the sexual feelings started. Although, oddly enough, my focus was not on the pretty girls, but rather on the handsome boys. It didn’t really bother me at first. I had just discovered my body’s newfound, um, abilities, and I was curious if any of the other boys had found them as well. “It’s just a normal thing. Every boy is curious,” I tried to convince myself.
To confuse matters, it wasn’t until 8th grade that my parents told me about the “birds and the bees”. Well, they didn’t actually tell me. Mom left a book on my pillow and hoped for the best.
Apparently this issue was just too difficult or embarrassing for them. Of course, by that time, I had most of the facts of life figured out already.
As I entered high school (A good Christian high school, of course), I finally began to become a little concerned that maybe I was gay. My interests still hadn’t changed. It was still the boys I thought about when I was in bed at night. “Maybe I’m just a late developer,” I thought. “If I pray hard enough, God will make me interested in girls. Then I will be normal.”
I met a great girl and we became best friends. She really liked me. We had similar interests and a similar sense of humor. She had been raised in a “good Christian home” like I was. I loved being with her. We had so many inside jokes together that when I saw her down the hall, I’d just start cracking up. We would have made a great couple if I had had the slightest interest in a romantic relationship with her. I kept checking myself... Nope. Nothing. Dang.
High school came and went and it was off to college. Christian college, of course. Now, I’ve heard tons of college stories where the guys in the residence halls enjoy being naked for no good reason. I was disappointed when I found out that my floor was nothing like that. Even the showers were very private with double curtains! So my homoerotic curiosity continued unsatisfied. I’m embarrassed to say that I would occasionally try to sneak peeks at my roommate when he returned from the shower just to see what a naked man looked like. (These were the days before internet porn was there to satisfy every curiosity in its own destructive way. But that’s somebody else’s blog post!)
Now, at this point, I need to rewind my story a little bit. Ever since I was a young child, I have been painfully shy. My father loved me, but was emotionally distant and didn’t do put much effort into raising a son with confidence. We didn’t do much together. And the older I got, the more difficult it became to interact confidently with people. The teasing in middle school (that everybody goes through) really did a number on me.
When adolescence hit, I started getting depressed because I wasn’t getting any attention at school. I felt completely invisible. When high school came, I started internalizing it so much that I started feeling worthless.
When college came, I knew “for a fact” that I was worthless. Especially with my struggle with homosexuality on top of everything else. I lived in a world of self-pity. But the people in college were not like the people in high school. They were kind. They were friendly. And for the first time in my life, I made true friends. It was, without a doubt, the most excited I had ever been about anything in my life. I had friends! Maybe I was worth something!
That feeling didn’t last long.
All my newfound hope crashed down when I had to withdraw from school to take a mental break. I was now out of my friends’ everyday world and they were out of mine. I tried to visit the campus and reconnect, but they were getting to know new people and seemed very, very busy. In my mind, they didn’t want me around anymore. To make matters worse, I had just gotten fired from my job. And that’s when I hit rock bottom.
It’s hard to know what rock bottom looks like until you get there yourself. It’s a place of absolute hopelessness where you despise every minute of your existence during the day--and the night is even harder because there is nothing to distract you from your thoughts of despair, loneliness, and self-loathing. It was all-out, full-fledged depression and I really didn’t have anybody to talk to about it. Even my prayers to God seemed to bounce off the walls.
But “rock bottom” was also when my relationship with God changed. I was a lonely, sick, broken young man and I was desperate for hope.
Up until now, my faith was just “going through the motions” of what I had learned from my mother. But now, it was becoming real. In a very small way, I knew that He was listening. It was time to get serious with Him because I needed Him so badly.
One weekend, to my surprise, one of my former floormates gave me a call and wanted to fix me up on a group date with a friend of his girlfriend. “I have to try it,” I thought. “Maybe there will be something there.” I went on the date. There was nothing there. Nothing but awkward.
College came and went and it was off to pursue a career. Now reality was setting in. I was gay. There was no denying it. Every single one of my sexual fantasies was about the male form.
The pain that this realization caused was excruciating. First there was the pain of being different. Then there was the pain of being in a people group that society generally looked down upon. And finally, there was a crisis of faith. After all, I was supposedly this fine Christian young man. I can’t be gay. “Homosexuality is forbidden in the Bible!,” I thought.
I will never forget the night I “came out” to my friends. It was absolutely the scariest night of my life. I got the college boys back together for a little reunion and we went to one of our favorite outdoor hangout spots--a cool seashore spot covered with huge boulders that the waves crash into. Hanging out on a huge rock overlooking the ocean, I finally told them, without actually saying the words, that I was gay. To my surprise, I was met with nothing but love and acceptance.
Telling people got easier after that. Many years later, I was even able to tell my parents. But living with this “condition” didn’t get easier. It was time to fix things.
I went online and checked out Exodus International and Harvest U.S.A. and got myself checked into a local support group. I got involved in a church and had godly men in my life. I read the books that were published at the time, all explaining how I can be freed from homosexuality and fall in love with a woman and get married and live happily ever after.
I did all the right things, but nothing happened. I was still a homosexual. Nothing I could do--and no amount of prayers--was changing that.
But God had begun His work on my heart--calling me to draw close to Him. To trust Him in my circumstances. To allow Him to be a companion when I was lonely.
It was a very slow road to fully accepting His reality and his care for me. He did begin to answer my prayers for companionship, and through some odd circumstances when I was in my mid 20’s brought me to an amazing church where I became part of a family. God used these people to give me a sense of belonging. I quickly got involved in various ministries and a sense of purpose began to grow within me. I learned more about God’s love for me and got excited about joining God in the things he was doing on our planet. I learned to live outside myself and see what it was like to serve others instead of constantly being focused on my own needs and shortcomings. New life was rising out of the ashes of brokenness.
I did ministry in that church for twelve years. It wasn’t always without complication. In fact on a few separate occasions, I essentially “fell in love” with certain men in the church. These guys were my friends and we had bonded emotionally. And that led to physical desires as well. But each guy was straight, so nothing happened--except for the emotional torment of desiring somebody I knew I couldn’t have. This was just as painful, if not more so, than when I hit rock bottom during college. I ended up having to go on anti-depressants because my heart was so hungry for love (or what I thought was love) and so distraught that my desires could never be met.
But even through those excruciating times... even through the times I was literally screaming mad at God for making me this way. He never let me go. I wanted to walk away. I wanted to give up. But I couldn’t. His love for me and His call on my life has been so unmistakable that I could never live without Him.
I still struggle with same-sex attraction today. I have made the choice to not enter into a gay relationship based on what I believe God’s will for me is through study of scripture. (Other gay Christians conclude their study differently.) But He is making me stronger and more confident in who HE is. Who I am is becoming less and less important. My story is becoming less and less important. I’d rather be a part of His story.
And I’m learning from my married friends that a spouse doesn’t meet you in the deepest places of your soul’s longing. Only the pure love of Christ and the presence of the Holy Spirit can do that. The love that was displayed for all to see when he stretched out his hands and died for us. The love that made a way for us to be with Him in perfection forever. The love that washes us clean of everything we’ve done wrong. It’s an amazing love. It’s an undeniable love--not always with our emotions--but with a deep-seeded satisfaction that it’s the truth.
I will probably never get married. I will probably never have sex. I will probably never have a romantic kiss. I will probably never hold somebody’s hand. Isn’t that sad? NO! Because there is greater freedom in walking with my heavenly Father and following his best plan for my life. Instead of putting my hope and trust in the love of another person, I’ve had to put my hope and trust in Him and Him alone.
In the Father, I’ve found a nurturing dad who wants me to grow up big and strong. A dad who has big plans for his son, who is priceless, not worthless!
In the Son, Jesus Christ, I’ve found a friend who never leaves me, even when I come home to an empty house. A confidant who knows what it’s like to face struggle, loneliness, and temptation. And a partner and guide on an adventure to change the world!
In the Spirit, I’ve found an indwelt intimacy that surpasses the love of any man or woman. He is continually inside of me representing the abolition of my worst fears and lies about myself. When I turn to Him, my spirit unites with His, and His power becomes my own. I am empowered to view this life not as a series of difficult struggles and circumstances, but as a specific plan that was drawn up by the Father.
If you have same-sex attractions, being alone for the rest of your life might seem an impossible, heartbreaking outlook. But with the nurture of a caring Father, the example of the Son, and the spiritual intimacy of the Holy Spirit, anyone in my situation can go forward into tomorrow knowing that your life has a purpose, a plan, and the support you need to make it a rewarding journey. At some point you need to accept the fact that your story doesn’t look like everybody else’s. But that doesn’t make it less valuable. Sure, you might occasionally feel very alone, but remember that your alone-ness was His call to make, not yours. Because the truth is that you’re not alone. Surrender your life to Him and realize that He is all you need. Trust Him to bring people into your life who will encourage you and keep your focus Him and not yourself. There is so much freedom to be found when we can shift our energy from what we want to what He wants.
Scripture that has encouraged and strengthened me in my journey:
For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom his whole family in heaven and earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have the power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
Ephesians 3:14-19
Hear my cry, O God;
listen to my prayer.
From the ends of the earth I call to you,
I call as my heart grows faint;
lead me to the rock that is higher than I.
For you have been my refuge,
a strong tower against the foe.
I long to dwell in your tent forever
and take refuge in the shelter of your wings.
Psalm 61:1-4
Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?…
No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Romans 8:35, 37-39
To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
2 Corinthians 12:7-10
This is a wife at Netcast who shares her observations from 25 years of physical intimacy...
Our first years of physical intimacy were illicit. We weren’t married yet. We were trying to be “technical virgins,” doing sexual acts right up to, but not including penetration. It almost worked, if it weren’t for the few times we couldn’t reign in the passion and took it farther than we intended. It was glorious in the moment, but shame and worry followed.
Our first years of marriage were challenging. Suddenly without the aphrodisiac of the forbidden and dangerous, I struggled to become aroused. Sex without arousal was sometimes painful and often nauseating, but I knew it was important not to deny my husband, so we settled into a couple times a week of ho-hum going through the motions. It was slightly better for him than it was for me, but nowhere near the pleasurable intimacy I knew it should have been.
I believed that this was what our married sex would look like forever; that it was the price I was going to have to pay for my pre-marital sins.
Because it wasn’t all that pleasurable for me, I was also non-orgasmic. This really saddened and discouraged us both. We read books and tried different “remedies,” but part of me just continued believing that I didn’t deserve to have an orgasm because we weren’t virgins when we married.
Fast forward 15 or so years, and now we have fireworks. F.I.R.E.W.O.R.K.S. Mindblowing fireworks. And did I mention fireworks?
It’s been that way for us for so long now that it feels like we’ve always had good sex. So what made the difference for us? It came softly, slowly, quietly. I don’t understand it completely, but here is what I’m sure of:
Most importantly: grace. I needed to understand God’s grace. He doesn’t give me what I deserve. I don’t deserve fulfilling sexual intimacy with my husband. I also don’t deserve eternal salvation. Or good health. Or my next breath, even. But God loves me so much in my brokenness that He sent His Son to be my Rescuer. And, in His passionate love, He showers me with good gifts.
I Corinthians 6:9-11 “Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality, nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And such were some of you. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.”
Praise Jesus! I am not defined by my past sins. I am clothed in His righteousness.
Once I was set free by a deeper understanding of grace, I think several practical factors played a role:
Recognizing that seeing my husband breathlessly ravished by my love is a gift I give him. I’m the only one who holds the key. I love giving him that gift, knowing that I’m honoring God while I do it, and that I’m drawing my husband’s heart to mine as he knows he can count on me to leave him deliriously satisfied.
Realizing that when I’m an active participant in our lovemaking by adding my own motions to his, or lovingly directing him in how he can increase my pleasure (which actually took me a while to figure out myself), or initiating sex altogether, that it not only increases his pleasure, but mine as well. I’ve discovered that when I might not be all that aroused in the beginning, engaging myself in the moment by doing some or all of those things usually leads to being highly aroused.
Grasping the mechanics of sex. It’s almost humorous now how inhibited and uninformed I was in those early years. I was amazed when I learned that clitoral stimulation is most women’s pathway to orgasm.
Embracing more than one type of sex. I think a lot of women have a problem with giving or receiving oral sex because they don’t think nice girls do it, or they think it’s gross. Godly girls know that it is a God-given gateway to orgasmic pleasure, especially for the wife, and that a sensual bath or shower together right before sex can be helpful to make you feel more comfortable with it, although it may take many tries at being vulnerable in this way before it becomes pleasurable. It took me probably 10 years, but I’m so thankful I never wrote it off completely.
Understanding that my mind is my most important sex organ. If I’m worrying if I remembered to take the beef out of the freezer for dinner tomorrow, or if I smell ok, or if he noticed that I forgot to shave, I’m shutting down my ability to relax and engage, and cheating us both.
Accepting that although times like menstruation or fluctuating pregnancy hormones might inhibit typical sex, this is a great time to demonstrate selfless love to my husband by offering to pleasure him in an alternative way, no strings attached. Just because I don’t need or want a release doesn’t mean he doesn’t. My body is not my own.
Our culture thinks that monogamy leads to boring sex, but our life demonstrates just the opposite. God in His wisdom saves sex for the marriage bed because the best sex is a by-product of deep spiritually, emotionally, and relationally intimate couples. It takes time to get there.
No matter where you are in your journey as a couple, please know that there’s hope that God can redeem beauty from ashes. Never give up. Never stop growing. Marriage thrives when each partner is seeking Christlikeness. It’s a beautiful parallel that the more satisfying sex is, the more I long for more. So it is with the Christian walk. The more we delight ourselves in our Savior, the more we long to know Him better. He gives us good gifts.
This is the story of a single mother at Netcast Church...
Growing up in church, sex wasn't often talked about, and when it was, it was strange and horribly uncomfortable. At youth group, we were taught that we should remain virgins until we married, but why? I don't recall ever being told why, but instead was left with an impression that sex was the sin above all sins. As a teen, I made a decision and a vow to God to wait until I was married to have sex. I failed. I had sex, and became a mom at 21 years old. I believed a lie, as so many other young women believe, that if I gave my body to a man, I would receive love in return.
For a while, sex and relationships became a god in my life. I looked for fulfillment in these things and ran from the one who could truly satisfy my soul. There was a deep feeling of shame. I felt as if I could never go back to Jesus again. Thankfully, after some time, I went home. Jesus showed that although I sinned sexually, I wasn't hopeless. He showed me His word, His truth.
Scriptures like Hosea 2: 14-17, John 4 and John 8: 1-11.
I am single now. I hope to one day have a husband, to enjoy sex as God intended, but for now, I will wait. It is a daily choice that is not always easy, but is made possible by His grace. So, the question remains, why? For me, it's not because the bible says so, but because it is just one way I can express my love to my Savior. I no longer feel a need to give myself to a man, because I have Jesus who gave Himself for all of us. I wait because it is my act of worship to a God who loves me with a most precious and everlasting love.
The story of 30 years of loving Jesus while having fun and enjoying the pleasures of marital intimacy by an anonymous couple at Netcast.
Having Fun through Theology, Intimacy, and Sex
Being intimate for us encompasses much more than a physical act with each other. It is us not being afraid to reveal and share ourselves with each other.
In the Garden, when God created man and woman, they experienced a level of intimacy with each other that caused Adam to sing with joy as he finally felt complete in a way he had never felt before.
"Then the man said, "This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh" (Genesis 2:23 ESV)
Before the Fall, they enjoyed such intimacy with each other and with God, that they had nothing to hide from Him or from each other emotionally. Before the Fall, they were unaware that they were naked and they had nothing to hide physically. And then quickly, with both of them complicit, it all changed.
"Then the eyes of both were opened, and they knew that they were naked. And they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loincloths. And they heard the sound of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and the man and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord God among the trees of the garden. But the Lord God called to the man and said to him, "Where are you?" And he said, "I heard the sound of you in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked, and I hid myself." (Genesis 3:7-10 ESV)
In one terrible act, their intimacy with God was lost. And, perhaps, their intimacy with each other was damaged for ever as they began to blame each other and their circumstances for their shortcomings.
"The man said, "The woman whom you gave to be with me, she gave me fruit of the tree, and I ate." Then the Lord God said to the woman, "What is this that you have done?" The woman said, "The serpent deceived me, and I ate." (Genesis 3:12, 13 ESV)
It's interesting that their first action, as a couple with lost intimacy with God and with each other, was to hide their sexual organs.
"Then the eyes of both were opened, and they knew that they were naked. And they ... made themselves loincloths." (Genesis 3:7 ESV)
It was clear that things weren't going to be much fun after that: there is lots of toil, sweating, and pain that is described as a consequence of the lost intimacy with God. In the garden after the fall and as a result of sin, ALL things became work and toil, sex included. What was once effortless and always perfect, now intentionally needs to be maintained. As a result of sin and lost intimacy with God, even sexual relations with the partner that God created for you can be flawed, can be work and require effort to maintain. ALL of creation, formerly perfect, was damaged by the fall.
But for us, marriage and sex has been one of our most cherished gifts this side of heaven.
What began in college with a "flirt", was quickly followed by a first date, friendship, romance and ultimately marriage. It's totally crazy, but we knew after four months of dating that we wanted to get married; highly bizarre even to us. In anticipation, we started buying married people "stuff" like dishes, pots & pans and the like and hid them away. After what we thought would be an acceptable time to our parents, we asked their permission to marry. All were excited, everything was cool.
Fast forward three years to the wedding...
No joke, we had to wait THREE YEARS for one of us to finish college so they didn't have to pay their parents back for the education. That was the deal: if married or dropped out of school before the diploma was in hand, it was payback time. These parents were serious and really weren't kidding! The wedding was phenomenal, over the top, and what many people only dream of. All we cared about though was the wedding night. Waiting for sex was a long haul and we almost didn't make it.
We were the LAST ones to leave our wedding reception because it was so fun to talk and spend time with friends. Finally at the hotel, life was good. A lingering first bath together in anticipation of much more to come that evening, well really, it was early morning by then. Little did we know "more" would come, but in the form of siblings and their spouses bearing champagne, and sitting all over the our bed! Not kidding, how ever did they find us , let alone get in? (story for another time though)!
Anyway, between the bath and the sibling arrival was the culmination of three years of waiting for sex. Two virgins, madly in love, naked and not ashamed! It really was amazing to become one physically for the first time, after developing intimacy in other ways for three long years. Neither of us had prior experience or other sexual relationships intruding on our first night of sexual intimacy. It wasn't that it was long and drawn out, but tender, slow, romantic and ALL about the needs of the other. It was a "perfect" first time.
Amazingly enough though, the real beauty wasn't really that night but in the months, years and decades that followed. We can now look back and know that we guarded and protected a very special gift that has and always will belong only to us, given and honored by God.
For us, now married couple for more than 30 years, having fun with each other begins with being transparent and unashamed with each other, and with a desire to return to the garden in true intimacy. It requires being intentional about emotional and physical intimacy with our partner and best friend.
We were made as physical and sexual beings to enjoy each other, and if there is something between us (like clothes), then we can't (fully) enjoy each other. But it also means we can't have emotional stuff between us, and that means being honest about ourselves, each other and what we like.
It also means that we look for things we enjoy doing together, because once we have emotional intimacy then the physical intimacy is so much better.
Three years of developing emotional intimacy led to an amazing physical intimacy. But now, sometimes it's reversed. As we enjoy physical games together, we laugh, create memories and develop deeper emotional intimacy.
Memories like naked hide-and-seek, with all the lights out. While the hiding and the seeking are fun, the finding was even better. Memories like strip pool - you miss a shot and off comes a piece of clothing. Memories like "Lose a bet, become my sex slave". (This last requires some explanation - sex slave doesn't mean degradation and domination. It means your partner is totally committed to doing what makes you feel good. You make me feel good, and I GUARANTEE you will feel good). Memories like a dice game: roll a six, and kiss something round. Roll a seven, and I rub your back. Roll a twelve, and you pick the body part I have to massage. Roll a three and tell me the happiest memory from the last year. (Making our own rules for both physical or emotional intimacy for each number is still part of the fun.). Memories like having sex in every room in the house, and then remembering which room was best.
Part of restoration back to the garden, through the blood of Christ, is that we can live life without guilt. Nothing is off limit for us when it comes to sex, because we love and respect each other. God created us to enjoy each other, He doesn't tell us what we can and cannot do for our enjoyment, except to say we have become one. We enjoy giving kisses to all parts of our bodies. We enjoy giving and receiving oral sex. We enjoy tickling each other with feathers when one of us can't move. We enjoy trying different positions in different locations: inside, outside, in the garage during the middle of the afternoon. But sometimes an experiment doesn't work. It's not pleasurable, one of us feels uncomfortable, it's not the garden experience of intimacy. So - we laugh, we stop, we say "That was really not fun." - and we don't do it again!
When we were married, two became one. We love each other as we love ourselves, and over 30 plus years, we enjoy our oneness without guilt on how we do that sexually.
Some ways we build intimacy are physical, some are emotional but all are aimed at making us more "one". That's particularly true when we intentionally make plans together. We then get to enjoy the physical aspects of intimacy three times: during the planning, during the doing, and during the remembering. After 30 plus years of marriage all three are great!
There was a recent comment that we need to address on the topic of sex. We hope that the other posts will also address this, but for now here are our thoughts.
Anonymous said...
I appreciate the candid blog.. BUT! That I was hoping to actually hear a bit more on how this is played out in the bedroom. Not graphic details.. but I think one thing that is lacking in our Christian Communities is more people talking about Sex and the different ways to experience it. We as Christians feel somewhat guilty if we provide Oral Sex to our husband for instance. Why? Is this wrong? Is everything accepted in the bedroom. Are their things you can do that will draw you closer to each other than apart? If so, please do tell us.. anyone? Anyone?
Matt Chewning said...
In reference to the question above, here are my thoughts.....
The Bible says that “Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral" (Hebrews 13:4). Scripture never says what a husband and wife are or are not allowed to do sexually. Husbands and wives are instructed, “Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time (1 Corinthians 7:5a). This verse perhaps lays down the principle for sexual relations in marriage.
So, whatever is done, it should be mutually agreed upon. No one should be encouraged or coerced to do something he or she is uncomfortable with or thinks is wrong.
If a husband and wife both agree that they don't mind an would like to try it, (e.g., oral sex, different positions, sex toys, dirty talking, role playing, etc.), then the Bible does not give any reason why they cannot.
However, 2 things I would warn against are.....
1. Adultery is sin even if your spouse allows, approves, or even participates in it. Therefore, any sexual act is for the married couple ONLY!
2. Pornography appeals to the “lust of the flesh and the lust of the eyes” (1 John 2:16) and is therefore condemned by God as well. A husband and wife should never bring pornography into their sexual union.
Beyond that, there is nothing that Scripture explicitly forbids a husband and wife to do with each other as long as it is by mutual consent. Now, if there are selfish motives or degrading activity that leads to sin or one party being hurt or uncomfortable, that's different. Beyond that, feel free to get your freak on in any which way your two little hearts desire. Feel no guilt or shame in doing it and as long as it is mutually enjoyable have as much fun as you like. There is no part of your body or your spouses body that God says should be off limits as long as nobody feels abused, degraded or has a check in their conscience. Actually, there is great holiness to be found in fully giving yourself to your spouse.
I would encourage every married couple to experiment as much as they desire, with their spouse, in achieving the maximum about of pleasure you can by the grace of God in your marital union.
This past weekend we talked about what it looks like to pursue biblical woman. At the end of the message I listed my 15 hopes for the women at Netcast. Those, as well as a quote inspired by the writings of Pastor John Piper is below.
“True womanhood is a distinctive calling of God to display the glory of his Son in ways that would not be displayed if there was no womanhood.” There are certain ways that man cannot display God's glory. When God described the work of his Son as the sacrifice of a husband for his bride, he was telling us why he made us male and female. He made us this way so this relationship would describe more fully the relationship of his son and his son’s blood-brought bride. If you reduce woman to biological features you not only reduce the value of womanhood but reduce the glory given to God in his beautiful creation. Whether a woman is married or single. Do not waste your God-Given womanhood, for it was made by and made for the glory of Christ.”
15 Hopes that I have for the women at Netcast.
1. That all of your life, you'll be devoted to finding hope and beauty in Jesus.
2. That you won't stop modeling gentleness & compassion to us hard-hearted men at Netcast.
3. That you be women of the bible and not blame your church or a man for your lack of discipline.
4. That Jesus and the meditation on biblical truth be the source of your hope and faith; not a man.
5. That you fight to be heard at Netcast and in the community. Never letting fear quite your voice.
6. That you be women of prayer and faith; and grow in your influence at home and Netcast.
7. That you work to understand the deep mysteries of the gospel.
8. That you be totally committed to ministry within Netcast, whatever your role.
9. That you not waste God-given time on pointless TV shows, social media stalking or gossiping.
10. That, if you're married, you lovingly support the servant leadership of your husband and help him to die to himself as the Lord has called him to.
11. That you encourage, not belittle your husband when he is wrong and you are right.
12. That you develop a fearless war mentality when it comes to worshiping your King Jesus.
13. That you fight for transparency and authenticity, yet be honorable and respectful to others.
14. That you mentor and raise up the younger women at Netcast so they might love Jesus well.
15. That your motivation for the discipleship of others not be your own perfection, but rather your humility. Because young women need to know that imperfect women are loved by a perfect God.
Church Planting can be an extremely painful experience on a wife and family. Because of that, Christine Hoover has written an incredible book called "The Church Planting Wife" as a way of encouraging wives through the journey of planting a church. I highly recommend this book to those who are in ministry or looking to plant churches. In addition, Christine has encouraged us husbands to write a love letter to our brides, reminding them how vital they are to our lives and ministries. Below is my letter to my best friend, partner in crime and the love of my life. Dear Bugsy, Growing up in a broken home where truelove and sacrificial love within marriage was never modeled, I could never have imagined experiencing the joy that the Lord has given me through our relationship. Now obviously, our relationship has not been a cakewalk. We have endeavored many ups and downs, wins and losses, trials and victories; but in the end, if the Lord's main purpose for us is to glorify Himself by sanctifying us, then it is easy for me to think, "Oh, how great and awesome is our God." Since the moment I saw you in college I knew my life would be changed forever. I can remember it like it's yesterday, watching you walk into the cafeteria. The first thing I noticed was your big beautiful eyes. I love your eyes. The only thing left to do in that moment was figure out how to get you to be mine. Little did we know that within weeks, the Lord would save me and then providentially bring us together. Through 2 1/2 years of dating and going on 10 years of marriage, none has been as strenuous and trying on our relationship than setting out to plant Netcast in 2011. Sure all of the church planting books and friends in the ministry would tell us how difficult it would be, but I don't think we believed it. However, looking back it has been definitely the most difficult thing we've ever endured together. That said, similar to the cross, Jesus never wastes our difficult moments. This process of church planting has been by far the most sanctifying thing we have ever experienced. Over the last two years I have watched with my own eyes, Jesus transform you from a young Christian into an incredibly godly young woman. This transformation has not been easy for us and quite frankly there has been moments of great pain; But seeing Christ in you has become one of my most cherished possessions. I love watching you spend time with other women and pouring your life into them. I love to see you growing in your ability to be transparent and vulnerable even when it's extremely uncomfortable. I love how you're able to point people to Jesus and not simply tend to their emotional needs. There is an incredible joy that comes over me as you share all the things that Jesus is doing in your heart. Beth, you are truly my best friend. God has used you in my life to grow me in ways that I could never thank you enough. Because of our relationship and because of your commitment to the Lord, today I am more of a man of God. You have been my lover, my helper, my conscience in weak moments, a safe haven for my thoughts, my rock when everything else seems to be falling apart and even my shepherd at times.
I love you more than words can describe. I love the grace that you extended me and the God who lives in your heart. I love the mother you have become and the father you are helping me to be. I love you, I love you, I love you. Today, tomorrow and for all of eternity. - Matt
After performing my very first wedding this past weekend, I was reminded of some of the basic truths that I wish someone would have taught Beth and I before marriage. Often times we forget the unavoidable realities that come with marriage and its God ordained purpose. Marriage has always been God's design in helping to point us to Jesus. Marriage is God's greatest design to continually reveal to ourselves that we are sinners and desperately need grace.
There is no relationship on earth that will more expose your brokenness and need for grace than the marriage relationship. Because this is true, marriage should be a relationship full of authentic and transparent communication and grace being extended. Not using grace as an excuse for hurting one another, but rather as a way of extending love towards one another. We are all sinners and we all need grace. Praise God for sending Jesus who paid the penalty for my sin and continually extends grace to me. It is His goodness that leads me to repentance, not his wrath. He is patient and kinda, extending grace to the multitudes. Lets resemble that in our marriages.
Here is a short Q&A from Paul Tripp that has been revolutionary in my relationship with Beth.
Q: You write that all couples enter marriage with some unrealistic expectations. Isn’t this something you resolve in premarital counseling?
Paul David Tripp: I wish it were that easy! But it’s almost as though each potential husband and wife is motivated to dismiss the truth about what they will inevitably face. In the midst of the power of premarital romance, it is very hard to get yourself to want to take a hard and honest look at reality. You are in love, and you are sure that everything will work out right.
Most couples are simply not interested in being realistic.
Q: What perspectives can we keep in mind in order to keep our expectations of marriage (and life!) in check?
Paul David Tripp: There are three wisdom perspectives from Scripture that enable us to have realistic expectations for marriage:
· First, you are conducting your marriage in a fallen world. This means we all face the same thing and your marriage will be touched every day by the brokenness of our world.
· Second, you are married to a sinner. We just don’t get to be married to someone perfect. Your life will be affected by the sin, weakness, and failure of the person you are living with. And at some point you will sin against your spouse.
· Finally, you must remember that God is with you. You are not alone in your struggle. Yes, you live in a bad neighborhood (fallen world), and the two of you are less than perfect (sin), but in all this you are not left to your own resources.
Being a worshiper means that you attach your identity, meaning and purpose, and your inner sense of well-being to something. You either get these things vertically (from the Creator) or you look to get them horizontally (from the creation). This insight has everything to do with how a marriage becomes what it is. No marriage will be unaffected when the people in the marriage are seeking to get from the creation what they were only ever meant to get from the Creator.
Q: Tell us more about the power of worship in marriage.
Paul David Tripp: This is the bottom line: the war for our marriages is a war of worship. The fundamental problem of every marriage is misplaced worship. The cure of every marriage is renewed worship of God. Does it wound too simple? Well, it is and it isn’t. Although this principle is true of every marriage, the war and the cure look different for every couple.
This may not sound very romantic, but my intention is not to disrespect romance. I love romance. On the vast continuum of what defines maledom, I am way over on the romantic end. But a good marriage doesn’t grow out of the soil of romance. No, the soil in which a good marriage grows is the soil of worship, and the fruit that a good marriage produces is sweet, long-term, mutually satisfying romance. Q: What do you say to the couple who says “we’re just too different to make it work.” Paul David Tripp: First of all, don’t run away in fear. You haven’t made a horrible mistake. What you are dealing with is part of the plan. And it really is a gorgeous plan; in your marriage God will take you where you never though you would go in order to give you what you could not achieve on your own. He is working on something that is very good—lasting personal change—and he is with you during the process. He is giving you what you need to be, what you have been designed to be, and to do what you have been called to do. Now, that is a reason to be encouraged, even on the days that are difficult. Q: Explain how praying for your marriage, and praying together, can affect a marriage relationship. Paul David Tripp: The Bible reveals that we are kingdom-minded people, and we either live in service to the kingdom of self to serve the kingdom of God. So when you are hurt, angry or disappointed with your husband or wife, it is not because he or she has broken the laws of God’s kingdom, and it really concerns you. No, you are most often angry because your spouse has broken the laws of your kingdom. And the problem is that our spouse does the same thing. So, it will just be a matter of time before the carnage begins as our little kingdoms of one collide.
Reconciling your marriage begins when you begin to reconcile with God. It begins when you begin to pray this radical prayer: “Your kingdom come, your will be done, right here, right now in this marriage as it is in heaven.” Good things happen as a result of that prayer!
In the last year of marriage, Beth and I have learned more about marriage than we did in the first 8. Church planting has its ways of pressing a marriage on every side and exposing things in you that you never thought were there. Between the ridiculous hours, the pressures of success, the incredible relational demands, 4 kids and the exposing of our idols, by God's grace, Beth and I are building an incredible oneness. We have had unique opportunities to be counseled by some incredibly Godly people and also offer counseling to pre-maritals and some struggling relationships. Here is some that we have learned.
Marriage is be one of the most difficult challenges in a persons life. Beth and I have experienced some major challenges along the way in our relationship. Something that we learned is that marriage is a sacred covenant that joins two people together in one flesh (Matthew 19:5). It is not easy because it's very difficult for two sinners to live in peaceful harmony (2 Corinthians 6:14-15). If Beth and I aren't pursuing Jesus together, the inherent struggles of living under two different authorities quickly become apparent.
Often Christians in this situation will look for a way out of the marriage. At times we can even convince ourselves that this is the only way to truly be happy and even bring honor to God. You may be thinking "God wants me leave; or God wants me to be happy; or God would never want me to feel this way." His Word, however, says nothing like that. It is very important not only to be content in our marriage, (unless of extreme circumstances such physical sexual unfaithfulness or abuse) but also to look for ways to bring glory to Jesus out of our challenging circumstances (1 Corinthians 7:17). Unless you look to Jesus to be your source of satisfaction, you'll never experience the true joy of marriage. The problem with this is we too often look to our spouse to be our source of satisfaction and joy when they are a sinner by nature. And for some reason, even though you knew that when you said "I do"; you're surprised when you feel the effects of being married to a sinner.
My encouragement is that you would pray for the power of the Holy Spirit to enable you both humble yourself in submission to Christ (Ephesians 5:21) and live in the light of God's presence (1 John 1:7). Seek God's transforming power to change your hearts and produce the fruit of the Holy Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23).
A Christian wife is obligated to have a submissive heart, even toward a man that is not perfect or even unbelieving (1 Peter 3:1), and you will need to remain close to God and rely on His grace to enable you to do so. A Christian husband is called to love his wife well, by taking his eyes off of his own desires and seek to love Jesus by serving his wife. I would argue that you, like Beth and I, struggle to do this. My encouragement to you is that you would stop looking at marriage as a covenant to bring YOU happiness and joy but rather as a covenant to serve each other and honor Jesus. In that, we will find our greatest Joy. I promise, because God promises.
Lastly, we are not meant to walk through marriage alone; we need to find support from outside sources like our church, Godly marriage counselors, Godly books on marriage, Godly teachings on marriage online, and and other Christians in our lives. Being in a struggling marriage does not alter the sacredness of the relationship, so it should be your priority to pray, asking Christ's light to shine brightly (Philippians 2:14).
Don't give up on your marriage. Fight for your marriage, Fight for each other and fight to honor Jesus. I am convinced that the strong will fight for this but the weak will roll over and quit. Be Strong!! Joshua 1:9 says "Be Strong and Courageous…God is with you."
Many people have asked for my notes on this weeks sermon. Here they are below. Stats: • 4% of young people attends an evangelical church. • Approx 65% of Netcast Church is made up of young adults. • 51% of our Demographic (Ages 15+) on the North Shore are Married • 49% are single. • Approx 65% of Netcast is made of young singles or divorces couples.
Corinthian Context: Corinth is a young hip and urban city and the Corinthians church is also a young, hip cool church. Very much like Netcast. Full of young people who love Jesus but still struggle with lots of confusion. The singles have friends with benefits, booty calls, hookups.
Questions they were asking: 1. Do all Christians have to get married? 2. Is it ok to get married? 3. How do I know when I’m ready to get married?
How does Envy play a role? • The wickedness of our heart is to want what we don’t have. Single people want the joys or marriage, and married people want the freedoms of being single. • Hebrews 13:5 says Be content in what you have for the Lord says, I will never leave you or forsake you.
Marriage is a gift: • Hebrews 13:4: Let marriage be in honor among all. • Genesis 1:18 It is not good for man to be alone, so I will make a helper fit for him. • Genesis 1:24 Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife.
Singleness is a gift: Just as marriage is a gift from God, Singleness is also a beautiful gift from God. The reason why some of you are married today and others here are single today, is because God in his rich wisdom and gracious mercy, found it best according to His will that this be the way it is. Will you trust in that?
Text: 1 Corinthians 7:8-9; 25-38
3 Relational Options: Per Paul
1. Stay single with self control. 2. Get married and have sex. 3. Burn with passion, or sin sexually.
3 Benefits of Being Single.
1. You only have to worry about a yourself. 2. Complete devotion to the Lord. (No Distractions) “If an unmarried man or women has not come to terms emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually, to the gift of singleness, even for a season, they will find themselves being frequently distracted from pleasing the Lord and drawn towards pleasing the prospective marriage partner.” As a single person, God has granted you this gift of singleness as a means to grow and mature spiritually. There is a conflict of concern for the married man and women. The scriptures say that “the married person is anxious about worldly affairs, how to please his wife and his interests are divided.” As a single person, you simply have more time for things like Bible Reading, Prayer, Worship through song, and even listening to sermons. Once a person accepts the responsibility for a marriage, and even more for children, there simply just isn’t enough time available for such a thing. (Stay at home mom doesn’t get quiet time; the couple who doesn’t see each ether all day because they work 50 hours a week, typically doesn’t run home to do a bible study.) 3. More freedom to serve the Kingdom.
3 Problems Marriage won’t Solve. (top 3 reasons for both marriage and divorce) 1. Loneliness 2. Sex 3. Satisfaction of deep emotional needs.
How the Gospel comes into effect: To the married and single people; here is the God’s honest truth. You’re greatest need isn’t a spouse. Your greatest need is to be delivered from the wrath of God. Your greatest need is to somehow find a hope and a joy in all circumstances. And a spouse cannot offer that to you. That is only offered to you and has been accomplished for you with the death, burial, and resurrection of Jesus Christ. This is why Paul is able to say what he says in vs 29-31.
1 Corinthians 7:29-21 From now on, let those who have wives live as though they had none, 30and those who mourn as though they were not mourning, and those who rejoice as though they were not rejoicing, and those who buy(AK) as though they had no goods, 31and those who deal with the world as though they had no dealings with it. For(AL) the present form of this world is passing away.
John 4: The women at the well. The woman was searching for hope and purpose in a man. She had 5 husbands and the man who she was currently living with was not her husband, and Jesus drops this line on her. “He who comes to me and drinks the water I give to them, will never thirst again.
Stop putting your hope in your spouse or the hopes of having a spouse, but put your hope and trust in Christ. He’s a much better savior.
For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening.
Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.
Sin separates. The hardest relationship in the world is the marriage. Two people trying to come together and do life as if they are one is an element of disaster, however, this is God’s plan. The problem with this is that we are a selfish and sinful people who desire to have things the way “we” want when “we” want them. Since that is the case, anytime you bring two people together to exist in the manner that God calls us, there are many obstacles to overcome.
Over the years, thru reading scripture and personal experience, I have come to understand something about marriage. I will call this more of an observation than something that I have mastered, because God knows that I haven’t figured this out at all. I often wondered why God is so big on women submitting to their husbands and husbands being “loving and gentle” with their wives. I mean, of all the things that God could have told men and women to do in his Book, why choose to tell husbands to “love” their wives and women to “submit” to their husbands?
To help get a grasp on this, I think it is necessary to first understand what the gospel (good news) of Jesus Christ is. Jesus is one of the three Godheads of the Trinity, referred to as the Son. He has always been and always will be. He is the head of the church; He is our mediator to the Father and the sender of the Holy Spirit. He is creator and Isaiah says he sits at the right hand of the Father, receiving worship from all of heaven. In Genesis, as the Trinity was making creation, it says that Jesus was there in beautiful rhythmic harmony with the Father and the Spirit, as man was being created in His image. After sin enters into the world in Genesis 3; Jesus, in order to save Gods elect and enter into relationship with Him; leaves the comforts of home (Heaven) and enters into His creation to live as a sinless, humble man; under humble circumstances; live the life that humanity could not live, and die the death that humanity deserves, only to be raised back to life on the third day; overcoming sin, death and absorbing the wrath of God because of our rebellion.
The crazy part of this story is that God did this for self-glorifying people who were God haters, selfish, proud sinners and on their best day had nothing to offer God. The bible states that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. It says that Christ who knew no sin, became sin, so that sinners could be the righteousness of God. This is a beautiful story of loving the unlovable; one in which just about every great movie or novel is about. This is a story of a man giving up his life so that others may receive life. In essence, Jesus is our Hero.
How does this affect a marriage? The main reason we see God often speaking about how a man should “Love” and “Be Gentle” with his wife is because that is counterintuitive with our sinful nature. The same is true for a woman. God tells the wife to “Submit” to her husband, because a women’s natural sinful tendency is to lord over her husband and run his show.
As a husband, my natural desire is not to be gentle with my wife. Actually the opposite is true. My natural tendency as a sinful man is to be harsh with my words, brash with my attitude, and manipulative with my ways. Concerning how I love my wife; as a sinful man, my initial tendency is to love her when it is only convenient for me. I choose to love her when I want something from her or I will love her because of what she has to offer me. My natural tendency is never to love my wife because of who I am. Instead, I choose to love her for selfish motives. This is why it is so easy to say unloving things when husbands don’t get their way, to emotionally disengage, or in the worst of cases, become physically overbearing to a wife who is physically much weaker than her husband.
The wife, is not too different in her sin. A wives sin typically revolves around her desire for headship and leadership in a home. This has been going on since our first parents Adam and Eve walked the earth. As a matter of fact, sin first enters into the world, because Eve desires leadership, therefore sins, and then leads her husband to sin as well. God himself says in Genesis 3 that although a man will be called to lead his wife; the wife will desire to have the husband’s role as the leader of the marriage. Because of this, many wives are considered a nag. Proverbs compares a woman like this to the annoyance of a leak in the roof on a rainy day. This typically plays out in all sorts of ways. Most often because a wife cannot be physically superior; she becomes her husband’s greatest critic. Constantly criticizing every things he does; from his driving, the way he eats, the way he dresses, the way he parents, the way he pursues sex, the way he provides, the way he talks to her, and even his motives when he decides to love her well. Again, because her ultimate desire to lead, she will continually nag at his leadership and undermine the way that he does everything.
How can a marriage overcome this? To be honest, it almost seems hopeless and too broken of a system to overcome. However, Christ is in the business of reconciliation man to himself and his ways. 2 Corinthians puts it this way in chapter 5 “In Christ, God is reconciling the world to himself.” In other words, as we look at Christ and centralize the gospel in our lives, we will find God’s original intention and order for all of our ways. That being said, we now have to look at Christ in order to understand how marriage can work.
As we learn what our sinful tendencies in marriage are, we should be looking to choose to submit to Christ’s teachings in order to have a biblical marriage even as it gets hard. Looking at the gospel helps us endure when it seems too difficult. Before Christ was crucified for our sin, he went to the garden to wrestle with God. You see him pleading with God to change his ways and defeat sin in a way that did not require Him to separate from the Father and experience His wrath. However, after Christ wrestles with God, he humbles himself to God’s process. He does this out of Love for God and not love for Himself. If he loved Himself more than the Father, he would have avoided the cross and death and not have experienced the wrath and resurrection that saves sinful man. In the same way, we too need to wrestle with God. Gods design on a Godly marriage goes totally against our intuitive ways on how to go about relationships. In all honesty, God’s design for marriage is just too selfless.
Husbands and wives, dream with me for a minute.
Can you imagine a marriage that really fulfills Ephesians 5:21”Submit yourselves to one another out of reverence for Christ”? Husbands, what if you pursued never saying another harsh, unloving word to your wife again? What if you looked to continually encourage your wife without any selfish motive or self seeking reason? What if you were gentle with her and kept your tone low and honored God with your words, looking to build her up and lead her as if she were really God’s child? Wives, you’re not off of the hook either. What if you fought every desire to lead and criticize your husband knowing that blessing comes from submitting to your husband because that’s God design? What if you chose to follow his leading; allowing him to do things the way that he desires without manipulating him and urging him to do things the way that you want it done? What if you thought the best of your husband and believed that his motives were always in love and honor to both God and you?
How would this change your communication? The way you fight? The way you make love and desire each other? The way you parent together? The way you seek to give rather than receive?
The trick to all of this is found in the Gospel as well. Again, the Gospel says that all have sinned against God and fallen away; but despite our sin and while we were still sinners, Christ died. In other words, Christ didn’t love us because there was anything special about us, he loved us because there was something special about Him. In marriage, the same is true. We are commanded to “Love” and “Submit” not because your spouse is “Lovable” or “Submission Worthy”, but instead we are to Love and Submit despite their sinfulness at times. Doing this despite sin is the mark of a true Gospel Centered person who is more interested in being obedient to Christ than they are in responding to sin by sinning themselves. Let’s be honest, when a wife is trying to Lord over her husband because she feels that she can lead better, she is sinning. The same is true when a husband is choosing to not deal with his wife in a lovable way because she is being un-lovable. We are not free to sin because our spouse first sinned against us. That is when this gets really hard, because we want to treat people with an appropriate response to how we are being treated. But, the gospel says that Christ treats us with love while we are unloving towards him; He is our great example.
Typically a marriage gets stuck in a never ending spiral of, what I will call, “Responsive Doing.” In other words, because He is not leading well, She will respond by sinning and taking over. Because she has taken over, He will respond with sin and be harsh with her. Because he was harsh with me, I will nag him and criticize every thing he does. Because she’s always nagging and criticizing, I will not love her well. And the spiral goes on and on and on.
Wives, allow your husbands to lead not because he is a great leader, but because of your desire to love Christ and obey his commands. Husbands, love your wives well and be gentle with her, not because she is lovable, but because of your desire to love Christ and obey his commands. Wives, make it easy for your husbands to lead by not criticizing every thing he does. Husbands, make it easy for your wives to follow you by leading well. Do nothing out of selfishness, but consider your spouse better than yourself.
Ultimately, Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.
Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. "Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh." – Ephesians 5
Keep in mind, repent quickly and forgive graciously.
I never thought I would have the balls to disagree with Mr. Don A Carson, but I am very against this statement (although he leaves 1 or 2 exceptions): The whole article is at http://thegospelcoalition.org/blogs/tgc/2009/12/05/counsel-to-a-young-church-planter-on-marriage/
(2) The right thing to do, in both cases, is usually (I can think of one or two difficult exceptions!) to finalize the other part (get married). It is not to try to undo what has already been done! One cannot “undo” this sustained sexual, common-law, union. Thus to demand that a couple tear themselves apart after they’ve been living together for, say, five years, with perhaps a child or two, simply won’t do. What needs to be urged upon them is that they get “married” legally — i.e., publicly, according to the cultural standards of the state.
When God transforms the heart of an unbeliever into a new believer in Christ, many things come along with that. New desires, new motives, and literally a new heart. In essence, that person is clearly a new creation and if the bible is true, they will only slightly resemble the old self. That being said, he/she is not the same person who was in the previous relationship even if they had been together for 7 years unmarried with 2 kids. I humbly submit that it is the biblical responsibility for the for the believer to exit the relationship and seek a Godly husband or wife. In reality it is only fair for both parties because a christian wife will desire a husband who will lovingly lead her in the Gospel, Pray for her children, serve her and lover her as Christ would. We all would agree that an unbelieving wife does not have the grace to do that. The same is true for a believing husband, he will desire a Godly wife who will compliment him in his pursuit of Christ, not fight for leadership and glory in the relationship, and humbly submit to his Godly leadership and authority. Similar to the unbelieving husband, the unbelieving wife does not obtain the grace to do this as well.
In my mind this becomes a Gospel issue. Is it hard to leave a relationship of 7 years in which there was deep sexual commitments involved? Yes. Is it hard to leave the mother or father of your children who is not your spouse? Yes. Is it hard to start dating again in search of the Godly spouse that God may have for you? Yes. But, none of that is as difficult as leaving eternity in heaven to incarnate on earth and start over as a baby. None of that is as difficult as living in an evil world, being tempted in every way and having no sin. None of that is as difficult as being beaten as Jesus was and carrying your own cross to be crucified for the sins of man. None of those things are as difficult as although being without sin, becoming sin; so that cheaters, murders, idolaters, etc can become the righteousness of God by bearing His wrath for us.
In the Gospel we see the great example of making hard decisions for glorious outcomes. It is a trust issue. Do we trust Christ enough to make the extremely difficult decision? As Pastors, do we really trust Christ enough to counsel our people in hard ways, leading them to make decisions that in light of our world seem crazy.
Beth and I agree that Valentines day is overrated. Like many other holidays in America; it is a time for marketing and debt. It is another reason to spend money that we don't have and buy things that we don't need. Let me give you all a little wisdom from my short 26 years of life experience. "If Valentines Day is a time for you to focus on loving your spouse or significant other more deeply; than your missing it." In my house we try and do Valentines year round. We shouldn't dedicate 1 day per year to the love of our life.
Let me give some practical advise for all of you and some of the things that I have implemented in our house.
1. Do a date night every week. This does not have to be extravagant. It can be a date out or in the house. Pick a night that the two of you sit down with no kids and have dinner together, maybe a little drink (Some Red Wine or a Sam Adams winter ale would be my suggestions) Have some dessert planned and maybe a movie or a game. Beth and I like a romantic comedy or Uno. It is so important to set aside some of your time to spend with your boo. All week long you run around doing stuff and it is so easy to forget the love of your life. Make this night the same night of the week every week. NEVER schedule anything on your date night. Sanctify that time and never let things get in the way. Every Wednesday we have a babysitter (Usually my father-in-law) come over to watch the kids while Beth and I get dinner and get some coffee. Then we'll come home and watch LOST together.
2. If your married; Make Love Often...Very Often: Fellas, Love Making is more than just a time to "get off." It is also a time to know your lover in ways that nobody else can or is allowed. "Drink and eat your fill O lovers"; "Enjoy the wife of your youth"; these just some of the references to good love making in scripture. Sex in marriage is for many reasons. It is a way to serve your spouse, protect your spouse, control your spouse, encourage your spouse, pleasure your spouse. Most importantly it keeps Satan from creeping into your bedroom (1 Cor 7). This should be no surprise to anyone but Beth and I try to enjoy one another as often as we can. It builds trust, brings unity and grows our desire and passion for each other.
3. Serve your spouse or significant. Your life goal is to serve your spouse or significant other. We are all prone to wanting to be served because we are selfish by nature and are always looking out for #1. True love is putting yourself last and others before you. This is so important in relationships. I try so hard to do this with Beth. This does not have to be with huge things; they are the small things. Every night I get up with the babies. For the past 2 years I cannot remember one time that Beth had to get up with one of the kids. She has them for the first year while they breastfeed; I get the the rest of their life. That's just how we role in our house. I put the kids to bed, clean the dishes, and help out in every way possible. The fulfillment I have in serving Beth is greater than being served by Beth. It's almost like Jesus was right; "its better to serve than be served." MEN.....Do your best to serve without expecting something in return. WOMEN....If your man serves you; its always nice to get something in return. (I'm just sayin)
4. Talk to each other. Very few couples do this and it sounds so basic. We need to talk talk talk and talk some more. Beth and I talk all of the time throughout the day. If we don't talk often throughout the day its either because we talked about something and it turned into a fight or we haven't talked so now we have to fight about why we didn't talk. People at work get on me all of the time about this. They see me on the phone with Beth; e-mailing with Beth, Texting with Beth, etc. It is important that we do this with each other. Communication within relationships protects and grows the relationship.
5. Build Trust.Trust is not something that is just there; it is something that is consistently either growing or declining. It very rarely stays stagnant. I want Beth to trust me more than I trust myself. To do this, I hide nothing. Beth has full access to everything I do. She can see everything on my calendar; she can see every e-mail that has been sent or received; she can see my phone at any time and review anything that she wishes. She knows every password and sees every dollar that I spend. This is so important. It works as a trust builder and built in accountability from any way that Satan will try to attack you. MEN....You all should do this!
So there you go, that's my Valentines Day wisdom. Hope you enjoyed.
I'd like to post a question to everyone, but first let me tell everyone about my conviction.
Not to long ago I was listening to a speaker talk about the fruits of the spirit and God totally convicted me about something. I sin more against the people who I am closest to than I do against people I don't really care about. Here is what I am talking about. A couple of weeks ago, Daniel spilled some water on the floor and I got really angry at him. I mean, it was water and he spilled it on my vinyl floor. I don't remember the details but I think I raised my voice in disappointment and sent him to his room. I mean, I had just told him 2 minutes earlier to be careful and plus he just turned 4 and should be able to take a drink without dumping it all over the ground. Rightfully so, I got upset...right? Of course not, he's a little boy, he's only 4, and he spilled some WATER on a VINYL floor (right next to a roll of paper towels) in which it may have taken me 26.3 seconds to clean it up. I was totally out of line to loose my patience and God looks at my action as sin.
Now here is my question. Why are we so quick to sin against people who we are most comfortable with than when we are around people who we don't even know? I'll even go as far as asking this...Why do we feel like it is OK to sin against people who we are most comfortable with than when we are around people who we don't even know?
This is true inst it? If my pastor was over and his kid did the same thing as Daniel, I know for a fact that my actions would have been totally different. I would have laughed it off and been liek "Oh, its ok, he's just a kid" How about in our relationships with our spouse. If Beth points out a fault in me that has some truth to it, my first reaction is to get proud and defensive, but if someone like my neighbor pointed out the same thing, I would probably act different. Have you ever been having a fight with your spouse and your phone rings and you answer it all chipper and happy, only to hang up and start fighting again? Its crazy how two faced I can be sometimes.
God convicted me on this. We should have more love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control with the people who we love and care about the most, rather than treating people who we don't even know very well like this because we want them to view us in a certain way. The truth is that we are not this way with the people we are closest with because that is not who we really are yet. And I think I would also say that I am hypocritical and proud if I choose to act this way; we all would be.
Lets begin to be intentional about treating all people and especially the people who we are closest with, with love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Next time you are in a conflict or uncomportable situtation, PAUSE for a second and think to yourself, how would you act if this was someone I didnt know very well. Actually, next time you get in a conflict, say to yourself, If I was in a conflict with Jesus right now, how would I act?
Galatians 5:22-23 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.
Well it has been along time since I have written something on here. God has been doing some great work in the life of me personally and our Family. Beth and I have decided to take a giant intentional step in our marriage and refocus our attention on Jesus. We have been married for almost 5 years and to be honest, haven't kept him first. Compared to the world most would agree that Beth and I already have a very good marriage. But this is the key....."Good is the enemy of Great." Why settle for a good marriage when God intends for us to have a great marriage?
It amazes me that as married people, we just expect to have a great godly marriage. We really just expect this to somehow happen. We not only expect it, but we expect it will happen even if we never work at it, study on it, or ask God to help us. Actually, here is an interesting fact....it takes more work and study to get a drivers license than it does to get a marriage license. And we wonder why over 50% of marriages in and out of the church end in divorce.
Here are some things that have helped Beth and I over the last month, as we started to pursue the "Chewning's Great Marriage Model" 1. Two 10 second kisses everyday.....soooooo important 2. Pray together...both people pray. Everyday. 3. Have an agreement to be honest with each other without hurting each other’s feelings. 4. Attack problems and not each other. (Learn how to argue) 5. Study Ephesians 5; 1 Peter 3; 1 Corinthians 7 6. Understand and learn what it really means to Men: Lay down your life for your wife, love her unconditionally, and lead your wife. Women: Follow your husband, obey and submit to your husband, and respect your husband. 7. Commit to work on it. Here is something that God also has revealed to me. Until I feel like I have a good understanding of how to have a Great Christian marriage and how to fulfill my role as a husband, he will not release me to fulltime ministry. God's view on marriage and infinitely more important than we think. If as Christians we cannot get this down, we do not deserve to lead his church. 1 Timothy 3.
